Missing Autumn

I returned to the Northwest this season, observing fall for the first time in thirty years .I watched the trees behind my cottage transform from greens to yellow to gold. The morning sun hits the bank just so, highlighting shades of crimson and sienna and umber against the verdant backdrop along the ridge.

I walk the beach where gold and yellow tumble with stones and sand. I climb the hill lined with limbs still holding on to gilded gifts. One releases, and flutters side to side, descending lightly to the ground to rest.

It is right I am here this autumn, this season of transforming, maturing, grasping, holding on to gifts--my children, all grown, branching into careers, marriages.the youngest two in college, one soon to graduate. My mother, just out of hospice, quieter now, still sees me, translucent, and smiles. We spend time browsing through sheaves of photographs. Some in her season, her prime. I see myself reflected in her smile those years when she was young surrounded by friends and family, when she was a young mother holding on to us then letting go. after this season she travels with Dad to places they dreamed of Rome, Israel. Now she is alone, in her autumn.

autumn

uphill journey rises

crests at forest’s peak, descends

as crimson leaves fall

autumn: n.

a time of full maturity, especially the late stages of full maturity or, sometimes, the early stages of decline

In this autumn

I will watch leaves drift unto the path, gathering with others that have done the same. I will hold in wonder their change, the beauty of ripening, then release. I will stand still to catch my breath, not listening to former urges to press forward. Instead I will gather leaves that descend upon my way. Press them into my book to remember.